There I was… laying in bed… tossing and turning…tick-tock…1am…tik-tok…irritation swelling up in me…tick-tock…facebook… turn…youtube…2am…toss…tick-tock… mind empty, yet restless…anger… 3am… fine… I’ll get up… go sweep the kitchen… go smoke… sit down… huff… tick-tock…. What am I avoiding?! Alright, to the notebook I go… the sacred space where all my thoughts, insecurities, fears, insights, and dreams lie to one day be found by my loved ones so that they can get a glimpse into my darkness. I pick up my favorite pen, you know the kind, the one that just flows as you flow. Tapping… flicking…thinking… questioning:

(Writing Inner dialogue) Okay, “What are you feeling?” Frustrated! “Why are you feeling frustrated?” Well, I’ll tell you… because you started uncovering a major shadow and began to work with it, but you didn’t follow through with it. Just like your dream told you this morning, your inner child with feminine energy has been trying to help your inner child with the masculine energy. You’ve seen it show up in the bouts of frustration and anger in your tone of voice. You felt they were fighting against each other… but we showed you, they are only trying to help each other. “What else do we need to talk about with that” (an obvious sign in that question that I didn’t want to touch on it further!) Let’s talk about your dreams when you were a little girl. Oh… you mean how my whole life especially when I was younger was centered around singing and how I wanted to be a singer? “Yes, why did that become a problem?” I let fear get the best of me and I feel like I’m not good enough on so many levels. “When was the first time you felt that fear towards doing something you love like singing? Christmas party at the cabin, everyone was wanting me to sing a Christmas song. I look over at my grandmother and her piercing eyes shot right through me as if she was saying why bother. “What was a time before that?” I was sitting in my grandmother’s patio area singing Patsy Cline’s Crazy and I remember my grandmother making some sort of comments about how I have the voice but not the small waist. I remember crying a lot after that and I guess I kind of made this rule or belief inside me that I shouldn’t even bother because singer’s bodies are perfect. That belief spiraled into something more… like fear of doing things I enjoy, fear of speaking, fear of being myself-because I wasn’t perfect. “How does that affect you in the present?” There are so many instances where I allow my fear to take over. I’ve wasted so many “could had been” great moments because of fear! ” If there was a purpose for this problem, what would it be?” Hmm… maybe to understand that nobody is perfect…we all have our flaws. To learn how to face fear and step into who I am with confidence. Maybe… not to pass on things that feel good to me and literally makes my heart sing! “So, tell me, when… on some level, did you create this problem?” OH… holy shit… when I was super young and would compare myself to my grandmother. I am of course a splitting image of her. That scared me… and it was easier to hide from fear or hide from myself then to face that. ” For what purpose was that?” To protect my imperfect self! “Now… what do you need to understand about all this?” That it’s okay, to not be perfect. To truly see and love myself for who I am. To understand that she probably didn’t know what an impact her words where having… she didn’t know any better than I knew… “There! there it is, Repeat that! ” She… uhm… didn’t know any better. I have to forgive her… right? Yea… No… Yes!

Spirit works in funny ways… as I came to that rotted root within me and that huge realization about her. In my headphones blared,” Go eeeaassssyyyyyy on me babbbbyyyyy! I had good intentions, and the highest hopes, but I know right now, it probably doesn’t even show. Go easy on me baby… I was still a child….” My grandmother had a beautiful voice, and in that moment, I could hear her voice mesh with Adele’s powerful tones. The tears at this point still haven’t stopped rolling down my cheeks… and the cold chills running up and down my spine are still very active… and maybe for the first time in my life… I can feel grandmothers love. “I forgive you, Grandmother…”

Shadow work isn’t always easy… you have to have the courage to look deep within yourself like you never have before. BUT when I say it is worth it to bust through those limiting beliefs- I mean it is WORTH IT! Every ache as your body prepares to release it all, every single damn tear you will shed, every breath you gasp in trying to gulp down and digest all of the realizations you will come to, and every massive exhale of freedom as you just took one giant leap into your personal truth and discovery. IT… IS… WORTH… IT!